How to Make Love v.3

Let's simply continue where we left off yesterday regarding kissing, shall we? It gets better....

How to Make Love, The Secret of Wooing and Winning the One You Love

by Hugh Morris, Copyright 1936

(please note all excepts are copyright protected)

If your arm is comfortable reposed across the gir's shoulders and "all's right with the world," then your next step is to flatter her in some way. All women like to be flattered. They like to be told they are beautiful even when the mirror throws the lie back into their ugly faces. Tell her she is beautiful. Then take a deep sniff of the perfume in her hair and comment on it. Tell her that the odor is like "heady wine." Tell her her hair smells like a garden of roses. Tell her anything, but be sure to tell her something complimentary. This done, it is only a natural thing for you to desire to sink your nose deeper into her hair so that you can get the full benefit of it's bouquet.

The Technique of Kissing: Now is your chance! The moment you feel the tip of your nose touch her scalp, purse your lips and kiss her, the while you inhale a deep breath of air that is redolent with the exquisite odor of her hair. It is then but a few inches to her ear. Touch the rim of her ear with your lips in a sort of brushing motion. Breathe gently into the delicate shell. Some women react passionately to this subtle act. Brush past her here in this way again and note her reaction. If she draws her head away, return to the hair and sniff luxuriously of it. Then settle back to her ear, the while you murmur "sweet, airy nothings" into it. From the ear to her neck is but another few inches. Let your lips traverse this distance quickly and then dart into the nape of the neck and, with your lips well pursed, nip the skin there, using the same gentleness as would a cat lifting her precious kittens.

Oh my God. I just can't type anymore. Reading this shit exhausts me to no end. I mean seriously, if some dude stuck his nose in my hair and started snuffing away? I'd be soooooo outta there.

How to Make Love v.2

So by the time y'all are reading this, I'll be somewhere between Charlotte, North Carolina, and Washington, D.C. I'm heading up for a day of bridal shower/bachelorette goodness/debauchery. I'll also get to see a friend from college and a friend from Nashville who is now Besties with the Bride! I love when my friends become friends.

So in the interim, I thought you might enjoy further excerpts from my recent book-find How to Make Love, first published in 1936. You can check out the first installment here.

How to Make Love, The Secret of Wooing and Winning the One You Love

by Hugh Morris, Copyright 1936

(please note all excepts are copyright protected)

A reverse relationship, that is where the woman is the physical superior of the man, is not only devoid of love but is ludicrous. That's why such comics as Barney Google and his enormous wife were funny.

Always, always insist that, at some early time in the love affair, the parents of both lovers meet the lovers. If your loved one refused to meet your parents, then your first suspicion should be that, for some reason or other, he is afraid to meet them. Think out a possible reason for this fear. And demand one of your lover. If the reason is illogical and shifty, drop him immediately. He is out for no good.

In kissing a girl whose experience with osculation is limited, it is a good thing to work up to the kissing of the lips. Only an arrant fool seizes hold of such a girl when they are comfortably seated on a sofa, and suddenly shoves his face into hers and smacks his lips. Naturally, the first thing he should do is arrange it so that the girl is seated against the arm of the sofa while he is at her side. In this way, she cannot edge away from him when he becomes serious in his intentions. This done, on some pretext or other, such as a gallant attempt to adjust the cushions behind her back (tenderness, you see) he manages to insulate his arm, first around the back of the sofa and then, gradually, around her shoulders. If she flinches, don't worry. If she flinches and makes an outcry, don't worry. If she flinches, makes an outcry and tries to get up from the sofa, don't worry. Hold her, gently but firmly, and allay her fears with kind, reassuring words. Remember what Shakespeare said about "a woman's no." However, if she flinches, makes an outcry, a loud stentorian outcry, mind you,and starts to scratch your face, then start to worry or start to get yourself out of a bad situation. Such girls are not to be trifled with....or kissed.

Um, yeah. Chew on that shit for a bit.

How to Make Love

When I was off doing That Really Cool thing last month, I happened to visit a candy store in San Luis Obispo called Powell's Sweet Shoppe. We took my cousin's kids there one evening and I really wish I could tell you what their behaviors were (shock, awe, foaming at the mouth), but I was too busy foaming at the mouth myself to pay them any attention. I was simply amazed at all the freakin' candy they carry; all kinds of old school stuff that I hadn't seen in decades.

Like, where am I supposed to start here? I was so overwhelmed, I moved on.

I bought one of these. I had no idea what it was. Basically, it's a ball of chocolate with this cherry nougat-like center. It was pretty gross.

Now I also found and bought one of the most hilarious things I've ever seen. It's a little book called "How to Make Love" by Hugh Morris. It was written in 1936 and reprinted in 1987. The stuff written in here is so antiquated, I just don't know what to do with myself other than share the bits and pieces of hilarity here. I'd love to share every line, but that's just not plausible so I'll share snippets from time to time.

How to Make Love, The Secret of Wooing and Winning the One You Love

by Hugh Morris, Copyright 1936

(please note all excepts are copyright protected)

Excerpts from Chapter 1 - What is Love

Marriage is the culmination of love. Two people should never fall in love with each other unless they understand thoroughly that their love for each other is to eventuate into a future marriage.

This is what marriage means: a coming together, a comingling, a fluxing, a joining, all for the purpose of perpetuating the race. This drive in the human being to perpetuate his race is blind. We do it only because something within us forces us to do it. And it is that same blind something that brings two people together, neither knowing the why of their communion but each feeling that the marriage of their two selves was inevitable.It is this blind drive, this unknown force of magnetism that attracts them to each other, that is love.

Omar Khayyam said that only a hair divides the false and true. He could have said that even less than a hair divides love and hate. It takes very little for a great love to be changed into great hate.

There is only one kind of love and that is the love of a man for a woman or vice versa. Mother love, brother love, sister love, Platonic love, even the "unspeakable loves" of Oscar Wilde and Lord Alfred Douglas and Lesbia and her charming girls on the isle of Paphos, none of these is true love. Man and woman He created them. Man was created strong. Woman was created weak. Therefore, it is up to man to protect his woman.

Consider the watchful lion holding guard over his lioness mate while she suckles her cubs.

For instance, there is the difference in the attitude of man and woman towards the culmination of love. Woman, although she is just as anxious for love as man, must never betray her anxiety. She must always be passive. Man, it is, who must be the active partner. It is he who makes love to woman. He chases the woman who was made to be chased. The success of love depends entirely on the understanding of this basic relationship. 

Yeah, chew on that nonsense for a bit. The illustrations are just as ridiculous as the text! So what do you think? Would you like to continue to read excerpts from 1936 on "How to Make Love?" The part on kissing is hi-LAR-ious.