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I’m Louise. Blogger. Wife. Designer of TruLu Couture Veils + Accessories.  If you’d like to know more, check out my bio.

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Monday
Jan302012

Dear Wedding Guest, An Open Letter.

I had an email chat with a Blog Buddy recently who is still in the wedding planning process. She’s having  issues regarding her family (what they want vs. what they want) and it gave me pause to recall my own family issues whilst planning.

It wasn’t pretty.

Buuuut, thinking about that got me thinking about wedding guests in general and how annoying they can be. Yes, I said it: annoying. Those people who you love and care for? The folks who have gotten you through the thick, the thin and the everything in between; your bestest besties, your peeps, your crew, your amigos, your girls, your gusbands and even your own flesh and blood? All these people can be total assholes. Each and every one of them have the chance of being so at some point in time. Go head and plan on it.

This is an open letter to all the wedding guests out there, just to help y’all understand how to be the Proper Wedding Guest. Brides, feel free to copy this and include it with your invitations (ok, don’t really do that), y’all can thank me later.

Dear Wedding Guest,

Thank you so much for being a part of the wedding celebration! You were invited because in some way or another, you mean something pretty special to the bride/bride, bride/groom, groom/groom. The couple chose to have this celebration and to invite you because they believe that they are joining not just themselves, but their families and their friends. They love you.

However.

As a guest, you have certain responsibilities. Allow me to list some of them here.

INVITATIONS

  • As a recipient of an invitation, if there is a request to RSVP, please do so in the manner outlined on the invitation. If there is an RSVP card, fill it out with your name and your guest’s name, AS LONG AS A GUEST WAS INDICATED ON THE INVITATION (see “+1” below), and place it in the mailbox before the date indicated on the RSVP card. If no date is given, do it right-fucking-away.
  • Do not call, reply on Facebook/Twitter, or email in response to an RSVP – unless specifically asked to do so.
  • I don’t care if you are the MOH, the FIL, the MOB ….I DON’T CARE! If you got an invitation, you RSVP. Period. Are we clear yet?

Are you asking why? I’ll tell you why. While the bride may know that you’re coming, she’s also in the middle of planning every-fucking-thing-else, plus she’s working, she’s budgeting and increasing her gym time and all that crap. So, please excuse her if she can’t remember YOU at the moment she’s looking at a list that’s 175 people long trying to figure out if she can afford the filet or the tilapia. She needs the RSVP so that she can check you off on her Excel spreadsheet so that it will auto-sum and give her a running total as to how close or far away she is from being able to tell the caterer whether you’ll be eating filet or tilapia. Want the filet? Send in your fucking RSVP then.

A few more tips:

  • Expecting an invitation and didn’t get one? Don’t ask the bride straight out. Do some investigative work first. Chances are if you didn’t get invited, you just saved yourself and the bride some embarrassment. Sometimes it’s a simple Post Office mishap, other times you simply weren’t invited. Opt for asking another friend to find out for you and then get over it if you weren’t. Otherwise, let the bride know with a simple message that your invitation must have been lost. She’ll most likely send you another  STAT. 
  • Are you a distant relative that didn’t get invited? DEAL WITH IT. Don’t ask the bride’s mom for an invitation. Don’t look at a wedding as YOUR chance to have a family reunion. Just because you know all the players, doesn’t mean the bride and groom know YOU. Times are tight and brides have to cut somewhere. You could just be that second cousin twice removed. If you make a big deal about it, you’ll look stupid, not the bride.

ALCOHOL

  • Open bar? Have fun, but don’t be a douchebag. Don’t get so knuckle-dragging drunk that someone has to take care of your drunk ass.
  • Open bar? Be considerate. “Open bar” doesn’t mean free reign or free for the bride and groom. Someone has to pay for the top shelf liquor, honey. Don’t make a wedding your day to start drinking  Patrón when Jose Cuervo is your normal go-to guy.
  • Mind your glass, particularly near The Dress. Don’t let this happen. 
  • Giving a toast? Hold back until you’re done with that, then get your party on. Everyone remembers the drunk one. Don’t be that one.
  • Plan ahead. Have taxi numbers at the ready if you’re too loaded to drive. Get a hotel room nearby. Don’t be cheap and don’t be stupid and don’t make the newlyweds worry about you.
  • If worse gets horrid, for the love of God, don’t puke anywhere near the bride.

 

+ 1

  • “And guest” means you can bring the date-du-jour. Just add his/her FULL name to the RSVP. If you don’t know your date’s last name? Probably not a good idea to bring them along.
  • No plus one on the invite? Do NOT call the bride/groom to ask if you can bring one. The reason there wasn’t an “AND GUEST” on your invitation is because they know you haven’t been seeing anyone for the last 6 months and they don’t want you to bring some random chick/dude  to their wedding and they are probably budgeting their reception on this fact. And yes, it makes a difference. And no, they do not care whether you’ll feel “lonely” or “like a third wheel” at the reception. Deal with it. Pull up your adult-sized skivvies and go solo to  the wedding. You might get to make out with a hot stranger.
  • If your Plus One dumps you or gets sick or goes missing after you’ve sent in the RSVP, let the bride know as soon as possible. If your date can’t come, there might be a second cousin twice removed (see above) somewhere that the couple would like to include, which in turn would get the future MIL off the bride’s back. Be considerate.
  • If your Plus One has abused the above guidelines in the “ALCOHOL” section, make sure you take care of him/her STAT.  If your date is too drunk to stand in her platforms, sit her in a corner with some water or take her home. Don’t let your guy get so drunk he wants to start some kind of bar fight or flag football game in the parking lot. In a nutshell, you’re going to miss the end of the wedding because you will do the right thing and get your drunk date outta there.

OPINIONS

  • Unless expressly asked your opinion on anything regarding the wedding, do not give it. Ever.
  • If asked your opinion regarding the wedding, proceed with care and caution. Do not be rude or obnoxious. If the bride loves it, let her love it, even if it is pink sweetheart roses mixed with gypsophila.
  • Do not compare this wedding to any other wedding, except by saying the following, “This wedding is better than the Royal Wedding!” and only say that if you actually attended Will and Kate’s shindig. Otherwise, keep your mouth shut.
  • Do not complain about the lack of a beef option, a beer/wine only bar or any thing regarding anything that has to do with the wedding you are currently attending. I don’t care how much you hate fondant. Take a slice of the cake, peel it off and eat the cake part. And like it.
  • Never, ever, EVER under any circumstances, call the bride a “Bridezilla.” This is the worst name anyone has ever come up with in the history of all the world. It’s inaccurate.  The chicks from that show are like folks on The Jerry Springer Show. No one wants to be compared to boughetto, foul-mouthed trailer trash simply because the bride decided to have a kid-free reception. A decision you personally don’t agree with doesn’t make the bride a Bridezilla. It makes it her wedding.  Don’t say it. Ever.

TOASTS

Some weddings have lots of people toasting. Some times it's at the rehearsal dinner. If, as a guest or member of the bridal party, you must make a toast please remember the following:

  • No longer than six minutes unless you are already a stand-up comedian or public figurehead. Keep it short and sweet.
  • Sober.
  • Do NOT read from a Blackberry or an iPhone. You will look like a douchebag. Use paper or note cards or memorize it.
  • Never ever ever mention anything about an ex. Do not mention a time or an event that included an ex. While you’re at it, best not to recall prior states of inebriation either. Doing so will worry the new in-laws. It’s just tacky.
  • As a guest, if you are witnessing a toast going south due to any of the above issues and you are in a position to do so, calmly intercede and attempt to distract the toast-giver; try to wrap it up without starting a brawl. 

So, dear Wedding Guest, I hope you will appreciate this letter and put it to good use. As a Wedding Guest, it’s your job to behave whether you hate the asshat who’s marrying your best friend or not. Nothing, dear Guest, is about you at all. It’s about the bride and groom. Let them revel in it.

Hogs & Quiches,

The Thirty-Something Bride

 

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Reader Comments (27)

First off, this letter is refreshing and wonderful! I am a few months away from the wedding and I want to send this to EVERYONE I KNOW.

Secondly, I read the old post with the stain info and had a slight panic attack. I hadn't even considered a stain (because of course, in my head, everything goes perfect at the reception). But I will absolutely have a kit full of everything on your list now! And I will keep an eye out for hugs with someone with a drink in their hand...

January 30, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCourtney

Courtney - Avoid drinking dark alcohol yourself, stick to white wine or champagne!

January 30, 2012 | Registered CommenterLouise

A real life example: My first cousin, who T30SB doesn't know, called me after the invitations had been out for a few weeks and asked to be invited. In hindsight, I should have flatly told her no (I did try, but she insisted). But I called T30SB and asked, not realizing that this would affect a)cost, b) seating arrangements c)undue stress for the bride. After a LOT of todo, she sent the invitation, and THEN the cousin (who didn't RSVP) called me a said oh it wasn't at a convenient time for her, so she wasn't coming. I haven't communicated with her since. So please follow the above advice and avoid undue stress for the bride!

January 30, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMom

Mom: And it wasn't JUST the cousin, it was the cousin and a handful of said cousin's family members, correct? That whole deal was banana cakes crazy.

And oddly, she sent a monetary gift. I think maybe she later realized the trouble she caused? I dunno.

January 30, 2012 | Registered CommenterLouise

EXCELLENT letter! When helping my daughter with her wedding last year, there was quite the tantrum thrown by my sister when she discovered her grandkids would not be included. For the love of pete, it was an evening sit down wedding with a live band and chicken fingers were NOT on the menu!
Why is it every OTHER party, an invited guest would never consider bringing along children, but a wedding??? Sure! (and expect babysitting as well)
Sheesh!

January 30, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterPast MOB

I LOVE YOU SO, SO MUCH. Especially the "adult-sized skivvies" part.

January 30, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJennie

"If you don’t know your date’s last name? Probably not a good idea to bring them along." BEST. ADVICE. EVER.

January 30, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCris of Kiss My Tulle

Jennie - it's the unisex version of "big girl panties!"
Cris - It seems like common sense, but you'd be surprised. Or maybe you wouldn't.... ;)

January 30, 2012 | Registered CommenterLouise

LMAO! This is great.

We had to play the political card and invite the hubs work colleagues. One decided to add a plus one to his invitation. We had never seen the woman before, I never caught her name (he didn't include it) and he has since stopped dating her. I was irate. He bought a nice gift, but the nerve of someone (especially as highly educated as he is) to just add a guest is galling.

We also had 15 people RSVP yes who decided not to show up and not to notify us. One couple notified us via Facebook on our wedding day that they weren't going to make it. Others just didn't bother to communicate. It cost us more than $200 to feed the people who didn't show up. Talk about disappointing. People showed up without their RSVPd spouse and brought someone else. It was chaos.

At some point, you just have to let it go. Buffet style works well if you anticipate any of this happening at your wedding. Thank god I underestimated the number of guests by about 5-10 or we would have really been butt-hurt over the no-shows.

January 30, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterNatosha

Natosha - THAT is what I'm talking about! I mean, have some common effing courtesy. Back in the day, I dumped a dude the week before the wedding (not really considering those ramifications because I was busy fighting NON-STOP with the guy) and called the bride/groom BAWLING at how sorry I was, yadda yadda. But by the looks of things, I'll bet they were glad I came solo. The venue was TIGHT and I am certain, expensive.

January 30, 2012 | Registered CommenterLouise

I so wish I had this available to me when I married 10 years ago. I'm going to have to save this for when my girls are old enough to get hitched.
Asshat. Classic.

January 30, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTanya

Dumb post. How about instead...no one really cares about weddings other than the people getting married, their parents, and MAYBE their brothers and sisters. Otherwise, accept your friends and family for who they are and what they do. It's a party, one that many people don't go to often, hence the lack of social awareness in some. How about if no one goes to your wedding...that way no one can have to try and rise up to your lame expectations.

February 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTIna

Tina - I'll give you the fact that maybe not everyone (other than immediate family) gives a rat's ass. HOWEVER, I don't think that fact belittles good manners, common decency or politeness, which is what the point of this post is about. It's RUDE not to RSVP. It's RUDE to get tanked and make an ass of yourself at a wedding. It's RUDE to say nasty things about the party you're attending. Honestly, I think it's people like you that kind of fuck things up for brides who are actually trying to accommodate their guests. And yes, there are expectations. Why? Because the couple is spending a LOT of money on this celebration. Guests should respect that. If they can't, just RSVP in the negative.

February 1, 2012 | Registered CommenterLouise

Agree to disagree. I've been to over 1000 weddings in my life as a professional in the wedding business, and have seen everything...most of which is nothing. Worse I've ever seen is overly drunk guests, usually only being rude to me and not bothering anyone else. This blog post is tackier and much more rude than any guest I've ever encounted, either at my own wedding or the one's I've been to as a guest or as a professional. It's not rude to not RSVP. Just because someone doesn't RSVP doesn't mean they are doing it on purpose. People are busy, they loose track of things. THats the misconception. Just because it's the only thing on the brides mind doesn't mean it is on other peoples. If you don't like it as a bride, don't get married. You won't get everyone doing everything you want them to do. You can either complain about it or you can call up the person and say.....are you definately coming, I have to get a guest count. And no one is asking the bride to spend, as you say, a LOT of money on anything. I routinely deal with budgets of up to $300,000, and the amount that someone is spending and how their guests will act has never been an issue, before or after the wedding. If you don't like your guests, how they act before a wedding, how they act at a wedding, how they act after a wedding...then don't invite them and don't have a traditional wedding. Sound to me the best solution would be to go to an island and have an officiant marry them for anyone that agrees with this post. Accept your guests for who they are.... a: people don't get rsvp's often and sometimes loose track of them, b: alchohol is a drug, don't expect anyone to act appropriately around it if you are providing it...c: people give opinions on everything everyday..just because it's your wedding doesn't mean people can't give opinions for fear of making the bride angry, childish to say the least...d: toasts are usually reserved for those that love you most. they aren't easy to give, so go easy on them...tell them before hand to keep the toast under 5 minutes. Sounds like all the people who like this post are in the perfection business. Tacky tacky tacky.

February 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTIna

Yeah, we're going to agree to disagree because I think everything you've just written perpetuates and even encourages horrid behavior in people.

And as a general question, when did it become okay in our society to be rude? Because that's what I hear you saying about wedding guest behavior and it's also how I'm reading your text towards me.

If you are a regular reader, you'll know that the tackiness of this mock-letter is intended. It's for affect. I am trying to make a point using humor.

You should try it sometime.

February 1, 2012 | Registered CommenterLouise

I've actually never personally attacked you, but you've done it twice to me on separate responses, so when you want to debate on an adult level let me know. People are welcome to voice their opinions, and I feel as though I said mine in a well stated manner. I'll state it again. People make mistakes...they drink too much, they say bad toastes, etc...but you are giving them the stage to do such a thing in the first place. A stage in which most people have zero experience with. Does the forty-something person who does something inappropriate...should they know better? Of course. Obviously rude behavior is not condoned, nor did I condone it. Please read my post again carefully. It states that people are people and that everyone is welcome to making mistakes and not being perfect. Your post and other posts say otherwise. You post actually wasn't funny, was trying to be over the top with funny and didn't succeed, and instead succeeded in implying how perfect every bride is and how imperfect most guests are. Even if it was intended at one guest, it's still more rude than almost anything one individual guest I have ever seen do. Go to over 1000 weddings and plan them, then you might have a larger view on which to form your opinion.

February 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTina

Oooh, Tina. Careful.

You don't think leading with "Dumb post" isn't rude or perhaps can be considered an attack? If not, then AGAIN, I think maybe you're one of these people the letter could be directed at. It's insensitivity such as that that actually proves why snarky posts like this make sense.

And setting a stage for an event is a terrible excuse for bad behavior. And I don't think you're giving people enough credit in terms of what they know about wedding attendance. Everyone has been to at least one in their adult life. And now that there are half a dozen shows on TV about dresses and brides and getting married? Reality TV alone is rife with it. I didn't know dick about weddings until I started planning mine. However, I ALWAYS knew to RSVP, to be polite and do my best to be a good guest.

I know about the obnoxious plus one crap because when I attended my very first wedding, I asked to bring a date when one wasn't included on the invite. It was wrong. Hindsight makes me embarrassed that I did it, but I was CLUELESS (and 22). However, it only takes the one time to realize that you've fucked up, which I did almost immediately. I was mortified at myself. I also dumped someone right before a wedding and let the bride know ASAP, which I knew would be a hassle, but appreciated. I don't think postponing a break up for a wedding is the right thing to do, but being upset doesn't mean forgetting what the right thing to do is.

I write about these things because I experienced them and hope to pass along that learning so someone else doesn't make the same mistake, so that someone can avoid the embarrassment and so that brides can perhaps prevent them. I share that information from a very personal level. Always have, always will.

And it's not about being perfect and I think you know that. There is nothing wrong with expecting people to follow certain standards of propriety. It's what makes us a civilized society. I'm not talking about uppity shit, I'm talking about common decency. Will you have people who lose your invite, forget to RSVP, yes, because shit happens. But simply blowing it off because the bride "knows" is what I'm talking about and those are the folks I'm talking to.

And you may not have found the post funny, but there are a LOT of people who think differently.

February 1, 2012 | Registered CommenterLouise

Tina,
While I agree with the fact that people have a lot going on in their own lives and thus, an RSVP is not always on their to-do list, it IS rude to not RSVP. It simply is. I don't agree that the Mother of the bride, for instance, ABSOLUTELY needs to RSVP to her daughter's wedding, however, I am left to believe that the letter was meant to be extreme for the affect, and not meant to be 100% literal.
For you to handle large weddings as a "professional," you of all people should recognize that A LOT goes into the planning of such a function. So, don't get married. That's your solution?

The point of this "open letter" (I assume) was to explain to guests what they should do in order to prevent these things from happening (and also to make people laugh). Are they going to happen anyway? Almost certainly - but there is nothing wrong with a little education on manners. Or should we just say "screw it! You can't stop people from running naked in the middle of the street for the rest of eternity so if you don't like it, never go outside."

Loved this letter! I would frame it and hang it on the door at my reception but that might be a little extreme. :)

February 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJane

You guys are focusing on one aspect of the open letter, the RSVP. If you read my comments again it's not my only dislike. I agree that the RSVP is the easiest of the all the things you mentioned for the average person to understand and to accomplish and most people should do it and most do. It's the language in the post (not just the obsenities, as I use them all the time as well) and the general attitude pointed towards the guest and how rude they are that I have a problem with and don't particularly find funny. That's fine if other people do. Calling someone one a Douchbag for reading a toast from their iphone on a blog? a: i've called people that..it's funny. The word itself is funny. Calling out a possible guest in a wedding that? Not funny. Is it a douch thing to do? yes. Have i seen it done. Yes. It's just really rude to talk about, what is probably a pretty close person to the bride or groom, that in a blog post. That's my point. Agree with it or not. There are better ways to say it and better ways to make it funny. So don't misunderstand me. I agree with everything written. But I don't agree with how it was written, and in my opinion, came out sounding more rude than the things that you were trying to point out as rude.

February 16, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTina

Oh. My. God. This is the greatest letter EVER. I'm currently in the midst of finishing my wedding plans, and I really just want to print this out and throw one in every invite. Honestly people! Thank you for providing me a way to laugh about the nightmare I've been going through. :)

February 29, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterElise

Hmmm...I am also just now reading Tina's comments and this whole debate that is going on. Tina, can I throw in my two cents? I'm not a professional, so I definitely don't have as much knowledge or background as most of these other folks. However, I AM a bride right now, and I will say very honestly that things like not RSVP-ing or making rude comments about my choices makes something that should be fun a living hell.

In my personal experience I've had to deal with parents changing my plans for reception decorating, sisters (who are my bridesmaids) not liking my color choices, etc. Hell, I've even changed my date so my mom's family could make it out to it, only to have them cancel last minute which has left me scrambling, frustrated and more than a little upset. Things like that might not be a big deal to the wedding planner, but the bride can't just 'not invite them' or just 'not get married"!! I have suffered enough - I am getting my goddamned wedding.

However that being said, just because I'm stressed and irritable because my relations make me want to stick sharp things in my eyes, doesn't mean that I don't want the celebration. I may not be able to change how people are, but I can definitely laugh about the situation which T30SB has just managed to help me do. ...a small miracle I believe.

February 29, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterElise

Elise - Not everyone gets my sense of humor and that's OK. And if wedding professionals get a little irritated at me, I could really care less. What I DO care about though is that this gave you a laugh! Happy I could help.

And I am sorry about the family stress. It really is one of the hardest things I personally had to deal with when it came to my family and it sounds that way with you too. At some point, you do need to put your foot down. The best advice I got was from a life coach. Because I was older, paying for stuff ourselves vs. my parents, I was embarrassed to embrace the bride role. Once I got over that, it became easier to ask for exactly what I wanted and to explain why I wanted it. Calmly. Honestly, it was like I flipped a light switch. Things got a LOT easier. Not perfect, but much better. I hope all of it gets better for you, stat.

February 29, 2012 | Registered CommenterLouise

This has MADE MY LIFE. My mother still refuses to send her RSVP card it...and it just didn't seem right adding a "1" next to her name and "fillet" when I knew it wasn't real. For god sakes...the automatic tally part was written for me.

Thank you.

October 3, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKatie

oh wow did this make my day, albeit straight to the point, the comedy wasn't lost on me, I cracked up laughing, what a wonderful world it would be if we could actually send this template in all it's glory lololol I GET IT. R.S.V.P should be changed as it is deceiving and french lol English translation is Respond "if you please" maybe some people 'don't please?' I wasn't looking for this type of conversation/text, I was actually searching for " a letter from the bride and groom" to add to the invitation/RSVP explaining the gist of the wedding e.g that it was - in a nutshell - 'a group of great family and friends all gathering to wish the bride and groom a happy life together blah blah blah...... like most of the responders I also see all the valid points (emphasis on VALID) if you are on a budget, you need facts and figures, if the $300,000 planner isn't paying for it then of course they don't care - not their money. What is that old saying..."damned if you do - damned if you don't". I have been married thirty years and I can tell you for a fact - no matter what you do, there will always be that type of person that if they are not dripping in gold after attending a wedding, then they whinge - they whinge even if the gold is 14kt and not 18kt. My advice don't lose focus, is it the wedding or the marriage you want? Is it the soft place to fall at the hotel/Motel for one night or is your soft place to land 'in your husbands/partners arms forever?' For the wedding planners it can be testing and tiring but isn't that what they signed up for when they hung out their shingle and started charging for their services?
Now for the brides and mothers of the brides - YOU HAVE MY SINCERE CONDOLENCES and my respect (for what that is worth). Be HAPPY, enjoy your day, stains can be fixed, flowers can be plumped and in the big picture, imagine the fun down the track relaying all the happiness, mishaps and bedlam with your grandkids. Memories and life is what you make it.
I actually pinched the top part of this template as I found the words helpful but I must admit to changing what was expected of the guests to 1: Drive safely 2. be there 3. Enjoy yourself 4. dance like no-one is watching 5. Ask for what you want, what's the worst we could say - NO lol
and 5. Your presence is desired - No present is required (but a cash donation to our new mortgage will get you more cake) :)
This wedding I am planning is in the snow in Australia that only occurs for 3 months June to August with everyone travelling to get there so a little more thoughtfulness is necessary but I love a challenge. I am a mum, I gave birth, surely this is nothing to get my knickers in a knot over ( hhhhmmm knickers in a Knot she (bride) wouldn't have been born if I'd have kept that up) To all the brides, grooms, mums, dads etc etc - just be you, that is why you were invited but don't check you manners at the front door take them inside with you.
P.S At least we won't have to order an ice sculpture - it's the snow - all the swans, birds, wildlife and occasional lost guest are all eventually ice sculptures in 6 below mahahaha

February 5, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJude

Enjoyed reading this letter tonight, made me laugh after a long few days of tracking down the non-RSVP-ers :) Thanks for the humor

May 23, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterA

This gave me a good chuckle just what I need today. Thank you

January 9, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterChristiane

Hillarious and so true 😉 made me feel so much better after having to deal with some nightmare guests

December 20, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterBluebell

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