I had an email chat with a Blog Buddy recently who is still in the wedding planning process. She’s having issues regarding her family (what they want vs. what they want) and it gave me pause to recall my own family issues whilst planning.
It wasn’t pretty.
Buuuut, thinking about that got me thinking about wedding guests in general and how annoying they can be. Yes, I said it: annoying. Those people who you love and care for? The folks who have gotten you through the thick, the thin and the everything in between; your bestest besties, your peeps, your crew, your amigos, your girls, your gusbands and even your own flesh and blood? All these people can be total assholes. Each and every one of them have the chance of being so at some point in time. Go head and plan on it.
This is an open letter to all the wedding guests out there, just to help y’all understand how to be the Proper Wedding Guest. Brides, feel free to copy this and include it with your invitations (ok, don’t really do that), y’all can thank me later.
Dear Wedding Guest,
Thank you so much for being a part of the wedding celebration! You were invited because in some way or another, you mean something pretty special to the bride/bride, bride/groom, groom/groom. The couple chose to have this celebration and to invite you because they believe that they are joining not just themselves, but their families and their friends. They love you.
As a guest, you have certain responsibilities. Allow me to list some of them here.
- As a recipient of an invitation, if there is a request to RSVP, please do so in the manner outlined on the invitation. If there is an RSVP card, fill it out with your name and your guest’s name, AS LONG AS A GUEST WAS INDICATED ON THE INVITATION (see “+1” below), and place it in the mailbox before the date indicated on the RSVP card. If no date is given, do it right-fucking-away.
- Do not call, reply on Facebook/Twitter, or email in response to an RSVP – unless specifically asked to do so.
- I don’t care if you are the MOH, the FIL, the MOB ….I DON’T CARE! If you got an invitation, you RSVP. Period. Are we clear yet?
Are you asking why? I’ll tell you why. While the bride may know that you’re coming, she’s also in the middle of planning every-fucking-thing-else, plus she’s working, she’s budgeting and increasing her gym time and all that crap. So, please excuse her if she can’t remember YOU at the moment she’s looking at a list that’s 175 people long trying to figure out if she can afford the filet or the tilapia. She needs the RSVP so that she can check you off on her Excel spreadsheet so that it will auto-sum and give her a running total as to how close or far away she is from being able to tell the caterer whether you’ll be eating filet or tilapia. Want the filet? Send in your fucking RSVP then.
A few more tips:
- Expecting an invitation and didn’t get one? Don’t ask the bride straight out. Do some investigative work first. Chances are if you didn’t get invited, you just saved yourself and the bride some embarrassment. Sometimes it’s a simple Post Office mishap, other times you simply weren’t invited. Opt for asking another friend to find out for you and then get over it if you weren’t. Otherwise, let the bride know with a simple message that your invitation must have been lost. She’ll most likely send you another STAT.
- Are you a distant relative that didn’t get invited? DEAL WITH IT. Don’t ask the bride’s mom for an invitation. Don’t look at a wedding as YOUR chance to have a family reunion. Just because you know all the players, doesn’t mean the bride and groom know YOU. Times are tight and brides have to cut somewhere. You could just be that second cousin twice removed. If you make a big deal about it, you’ll look stupid, not the bride.
- Open bar? Have fun, but don’t be a douchebag. Don’t get so knuckle-dragging drunk that someone has to take care of your drunk ass.
- Open bar? Be considerate. “Open bar” doesn’t mean free reign or free for the bride and groom. Someone has to pay for the top shelf liquor, honey. Don’t make a wedding your day to start drinking Patrón when Jose Cuervo is your normal go-to guy.
- Mind your glass, particularly near The Dress. Don’t let this happen.
- Giving a toast? Hold back until you’re done with that, then get your party on. Everyone remembers the drunk one. Don’t be that one.
- Plan ahead. Have taxi numbers at the ready if you’re too loaded to drive. Get a hotel room nearby. Don’t be cheap and don’t be stupid and don’t make the newlyweds worry about you.
- If worse gets horrid, for the love of God, don’t puke anywhere near the bride.
- “And guest” means you can bring the date-du-jour. Just add his/her FULL name to the RSVP. If you don’t know your date’s last name? Probably not a good idea to bring them along.
- No plus one on the invite? Do NOT call the bride/groom to ask if you can bring one. The reason there wasn’t an “AND GUEST” on your invitation is because they know you haven’t been seeing anyone for the last 6 months and they don’t want you to bring some random chick/dude to their wedding and they are probably budgeting their reception on this fact. And yes, it makes a difference. And no, they do not care whether you’ll feel “lonely” or “like a third wheel” at the reception. Deal with it. Pull up your adult-sized skivvies and go solo to the wedding. You might get to make out with a hot stranger.
- If your Plus One dumps you or gets sick or goes missing after you’ve sent in the RSVP, let the bride know as soon as possible. If your date can’t come, there might be a second cousin twice removed (see above) somewhere that the couple would like to include, which in turn would get the future MIL off the bride’s back. Be considerate.
- If your Plus One has abused the above guidelines in the “ALCOHOL” section, make sure you take care of him/her STAT. If your date is too drunk to stand in her platforms, sit her in a corner with some water or take her home. Don’t let your guy get so drunk he wants to start some kind of bar fight or flag football game in the parking lot. In a nutshell, you’re going to miss the end of the wedding because you will do the right thing and get your drunk date outta there.
- Unless expressly asked your opinion on anything regarding the wedding, do not give it. Ever.
- If asked your opinion regarding the wedding, proceed with care and caution. Do not be rude or obnoxious. If the bride loves it, let her love it, even if it is pink sweetheart roses mixed with gypsophila.
- Do not compare this wedding to any other wedding, except by saying the following, “This wedding is better than the Royal Wedding!” and only say that if you actually attended Will and Kate’s shindig. Otherwise, keep your mouth shut.
- Do not complain about the lack of a beef option, a beer/wine only bar or any thing regarding anything that has to do with the wedding you are currently attending. I don’t care how much you hate fondant. Take a slice of the cake, peel it off and eat the cake part. And like it.
- Never, ever, EVER under any circumstances, call the bride a “Bridezilla.” This is the worst name anyone has ever come up with in the history of all the world. It’s inaccurate. The chicks from that show are like folks on The Jerry Springer Show. No one wants to be compared to boughetto, foul-mouthed trailer trash simply because the bride decided to have a kid-free reception. A decision you personally don’t agree with doesn’t make the bride a Bridezilla. It makes it her wedding. Don’t say it. Ever.
Some weddings have lots of people toasting. Some times it's at the rehearsal dinner. If, as a guest or member of the bridal party, you must make a toast please remember the following:
- No longer than six minutes unless you are already a stand-up comedian or public figurehead. Keep it short and sweet.
- Do NOT read from a Blackberry or an iPhone. You will look like a douchebag. Use paper or note cards or memorize it.
- Never ever ever mention anything about an ex. Do not mention a time or an event that included an ex. While you’re at it, best not to recall prior states of inebriation either. Doing so will worry the new in-laws. It’s just tacky.
- As a guest, if you are witnessing a toast going south due to any of the above issues and you are in a position to do so, calmly intercede and attempt to distract the toast-giver; try to wrap it up without starting a brawl.
So, dear Wedding Guest, I hope you will appreciate this letter and put it to good use. As a Wedding Guest, it’s your job to behave whether you hate the asshat who’s marrying your best friend or not. Nothing, dear Guest, is about you at all. It’s about the bride and groom. Let them revel in it.
Hogs & Quiches,
The Thirty-Something Bride