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I’m Louise. Blogger. Wife. Designer of TruLu Couture Veils + Accessories.  If you’d like to know more, check out my bio.

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Thursday
Aug182011

Wedding Assumptions: You vs. Them

I’ve been lurking around a couple bridal bloggers sites recently; women who are gnashing their teeth over the details. I get this, I really do. As a self-proclaimed control freak, sometimes it is about absolutely nothing but the details, big picture be damned.

Is this you? If so, you need to fucking relax. Or at least pretend to relax. Or try to pretend to relax. Your fiancé will appreciate the effort.

Why? Because here are the cold, hard facts: some people suck and regardless of all the details you put into something, not everyone will notice. Or care. Or care to notice.

Don’t believe me? Here:

My rehearsal gathering was exactly that – a gathering at a bar. We could not afford to feed our 40+ out of town guests twice. It was a cash bar. There wasn’t any food. This information was supplied to our guests repeatedly with helpful links and locations as to wear to eat, directions and personal favorites. Who listened? A few. Not many. And those who did listen chose to eat someplace far away, encouraging others to go with them and generally making a mess of my whole plan. Those who did not listen were oddly shocked at the lack of food and left early in search of sustenance. My mistake in all this: assuming that people read and remember what you tell them about your wedding.

You vs. Them.

These assumptions cross all borders and boundaries and can make your life a living hell if you let it. For those of you who have been through the RSVP phase, you know how incredibly ignorant, selfish, stupid, petty and generally lame people can be. The people who request a +1 when one CLEARLY wasn’t invited. Those parents who want to bring their kids though you’ve indicated on your website, Save the Date and through family members that your wedding is NOT kid-friendly. The brother-in-law-to-be who wants to bring his new stripper girlfriend. I had a family member RSVP that they were coming only to revoke that RSVP a few days prior to the wedding. Granted, they had a good reason, but it was annoying all the same. I also had to come up with extra invites two weeks before the wedding to placate family members I hadn’t seen or heard from in over a decade.

You vs. Them.

Attention grubbing in-laws or bridesmaids might try to steal your wedding day thunder. Aunt Mildred might talk smack behind your back because of your lack of a formal receiving line or pie buffet in lieu of a fondant tower.

You vs. Them.

What you need to realize is that your guests, particularly ones who don’t frequent the likes of wedding blogs, magazines or who are 253 years old, have no clue about weddings these days. Lots of people show up expecting to see a pair of silver bells as a motif and lots of white draped tulle. They plan to eat dry chicken picante with a house Chardonnay followed by the Electric Slide and the Chicken Dance. We know (yes, you do) that these things are probably not going to happen at your wedding. Your guests do not. For the most part, you should expect them to expect picante and ancient dance rituals. Wedding Assumptions on your part are a HUGE mistake. You will only be disappointed if you do and you do not want to be disappointed with your wedding. But guess what? It is WAY OKAY if a guest is. It ain’t their wedding. It’s yours and your fiancé's.

You vs. Them.

Now, I don’t want to seem like I’m encouraging you to give your wedding guests the big, fat finger. You do want your guests to have fun and not go hungry, but in reality, there is only so much you can do for people. Those who complain totally deserve the big, fat finger. There are many ways to give someone the big, fat finger without actually flipping off your great aunt or the slut your now brother-in-law brought as a date even though you strictly forbid him to do so.  A well-timed comment said with a sincere smile works wonders. Don’t be a bitch, but be direct. Don’t sugar coat, just tell it like it is. I did this on more than one occasion and it was generally met with understanding (pre-wedding) and absolute compliance (during The Big Show).

I did gnash my teeth over it, of course. I have some regret over the time I spent with my teeth, but it was only because I had to figure out the way to be a bitch without sounding like a bitch. That’s definitely a tough one for me. Go figure.

While you’re excited about the RSVP’s coming into your mailbox every day, expect the lame. Know that your wedding day assumptions are most likely totally different than most of your guests. It’s YOUR party. And it’s not just a party. It’s the day that you are committing your life and love to another person, forsaking all others. That, my friends, is a huge fucking deal. The way you and your groom decide to do that has nothing to do with formality, convention, traditions or the almighty dollar sign. In no way will it always be easy, but then again neither is marriage. Get used to working at it. Trust me though, it’s totally worth it.

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Reader Comments (13)

"Is this you? If so, you need to fucking relax. Or at least pretend to relax. Or try to pretend to relax. Your fiancé will appreciate the effort."

Can't stop laughing over this!!! I DO need to fucking relax! But it really is all about the details for me! I'm at the point where I'm giving out big, fat fingers to a lot of people. I can't wait til the drama is over! (But I'm totally excited about my wedding!)

August 18, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle

It hasn't started but I see the drama thunderclouds gathering so your advice is well-timed plus I know that you are SO right! It's good to have realistic expectations even though it sucks when people don't behave well.

August 18, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLilly

@Michelle - Good for you! Keep it real, but keep it sane!

@Lilly - Thunderclouds be damned! :)

I know you both will be fantastic brides - so much more aware of stuff than I ever was!

August 18, 2011 | Registered CommenterLouise

You make me smile.

August 18, 2011 | Unregistered Commenteranna and the ring

Aw, thanks Anna. You should chime in though. Am I right? Or am I right? ;)

August 18, 2011 | Registered CommenterLouise

Okay, so obviously, I've been gnashing my teeth about RSVPs and rehearsals and menus and all of the functional/non-crafty/no-fun/work-like details lately, so I really did need this kick in the pants.

And I will likely be really pissed about a couple of the no-shows for a while because they hurt my guy's feelings and That. Is. Unacceptable. But I'll get over it.

In the meantime, we've hit that point where we walk up to each other and say, I can't wait until November! Why November? Because you'll be my wife (husband). Which is ridiculously sugary. Even the kids have gotten in on it. "I can't wait until the wedding, then you'll be my stepdad for real." Which, by the way, gets me every damn time.

Priorities.

August 18, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

@Sarah - Totally acceptable to hold grudges on behalf of your better half. I can totally justify that because a) you're totally in love with the fiance and defending your man is totally hot on all levels and b) it gives you the opportunity to be a grumpy-grudge-holding-beeyotch. And sometimes we all just need that.

OK, The Candyman would be so irritated to hear me say that. We all know that being resentful towards people hurts not them, but you. So don't be pissed. Or maybe just a little bit and then let it go. Yes, that sounds Candyman-reasonable. ;)

August 18, 2011 | Registered CommenterLouise

Ha, my invitations will be going out next weekish at some point (as soon as my ass makes the "Hotel info and directions" card that needs to go in there and we find a reasonable print shop). I am in a "f-it" mood with the wedding... and it has already started - this person wanting to know if they can bring their sister who is coming into town - and someone asking whether I will have hard alcohol at the reception (no, no no.) I hear you on the can't feed people twice thing.. we are feeding people twice, but only thanks to my generous brother and my cheap cheap wedding tacofest menu - but I am totally wondering how to work in a cash bar.) I have plenty of naysayers about my poor registry, the fact I don't have a shower planned (how can I, when I live 600 miles away from everyone!) and the fact that I may not have roses (lavender and rosemary instead). I am working on letting it go, but I can see this all bubbling at the horizon, like a storm that is coming... less than 60 days to go, and I feel like I am heading to the bermuda triangle! This is a good post. Keep the advice coming!!! (And, at least I have my TruLu Couture gorgeous hair toy, and trial run booked! High Five! I will send you a photo!!!)

August 18, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJoanna

Just reading this one day before my wedding, as I had five hours of sleep because of course I had to f**king bake until 2 am and my poor guy had to make our church programms. Thank you!

August 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKatja

@Katja - Guuuurl.....whateryadoin reading blogs the day before your wedding? Eh. I did too. :) HAPPY WEDDING!!!!

August 19, 2011 | Registered CommenterLouise

@Joanna - Can't wait for pictures! And I didn't have a shower either. It matters ZERO unless you let it matter, which I did for a little bit. Then I pulled my head out of my ass. And you KNOW I'm loving the lavender and rosemary idea. I think I had exactly 4 roses at my wedding, garden variety and all in my bouquet. Everything else was cheap and pretty. ;)

August 19, 2011 | Registered CommenterLouise

Louise, I just love you.

August 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterEm Humphries

Goodluck to you and into your chapter's new life.
You gave us inspiration! Thanks

November 13, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterkids shorts

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