About Me

I’m Louise. Blogger. Wife. Designer of TruLu Couture Veils + Accessories.  If you’d like to know more, check out my bio.

Follow Me!

 

Sponsors

« {Sponsored Post} M•A•C Cosmetics | Main | Keeping Secrets »
Tuesday
Apr262011

The Chair.

image

It’s been a while since I’ve written a rant. I’ve been trying to be all philosophical and deep and heady about the move, the job, money, exercise….all of it. But you know what? I’ve fucking1 HAD IT! Time to vent.

I’ve been pretty tense these last two weeks. I’ve got a wedding to attend in DC this weekend and it’s one of my besties. We were biology lab partners in high school and dissected a fetal pig together. I’ve known her and been friends with her for TWENTY-SIX YEARS! I am so excited that she’s getting married, I can’t see straight. I am so happy that like me, she (finally) found her guy. It takes some of us a while…. Anyway, I want to look nice for the wedding. I want to look fashionable. I also want to be comfortable. I cannot find a goddamn thing to wear, nor to buy. I’ve spent the better part of the last few weeks trying to find something appropriate that fits me. Dresses are a joke. Skirts are too short and big, baby-doll type shirts look RIDICULOUS on me, so I’m struggling. I’m also struggling with a budget. I thought I’d found a good dress. It’s a designer dress that I got a consignment store and as soon as I walked out of the store, I regretted my purchase. No returns allowed so I’m fucked.

I have actually purchased a skirt on-line from Anthropologie. Talk about a budget-buster. The guilt associated with that purchase is so overwhelming, it’s eating me alive. I am praying that the skirt will get here by Wednesday because we’re leaving Thursday morning (Friday wedding!). Even if it does get here in time, I have no idea what I’m going to wear with it. Sigh…. I’ve been waffling back and forth over returning it once I get it, or just accept the fact that I’ve blown almost $200 on a dress I’m not going to wear and a lovely, lovely skirt that I may not have anything to wear with. Awesome! So, I head out again yesterday to try to find something even though I have no idea what I’m really looking for. I head into Anthropologie simply because it’s a favorite and I can at least window shop. That’s when I saw this, and just about snapped.

IMG00102-20110425-1620

This is The Chair from Anthropologie. It’s one of their props, I don’t think it’s for sale. The Chair has a story.

When I was still working at my last job, I saw a little plastic doll’s chair in a tween shop that had a flower back, kind of like this one. I thought it was ADORABLE and decided that I needed to make it into a larger piece for my décor line. I wanted it to be an indoor plant stand. I sent the designs off to several overseas factories. One of those factories accidentally made The Chair into a life-size chair, instead of the 20” high plant stand I requested. The Chair was cute, but since I wasn’t the furniture buyer, I couldn’t buy it. The furniture buyer turned his nose up at it (idiot). I did buy the plant stand. See:

Yes, there are slight differences, but The Chair was the original design that the factory did that I couldn’t buy. You may not think this is a big deal, and in reality, it’s probably not. I didn’t buy The Chair, so that means the factory can shop it around to anyone else, unless I tell them not to. However, doing that pisses the factories off because they lose money on product development so I would always allow it, knowing the risks. What makes me furious (if you know anything about design, Anthro, etc.) is that to work for Anthro, you have to have a killer fucking resume and portfolio. You have to have a degree from fancy art schools and all that crap before they’ll even think about looking at you. Another reality is that I couldn’t/wouldn’t work for Anthro even if I wanted to. They’re based out of Pennsylvania somewhere and I do not want to live in that state, thank you very much. What pisses me off is that the powers that be at my old company had ZERO faith in my (our) ability to design product. We were treated like red-headed step-children and in the end, we all got the axe because they were downsizing to streamline and sell the company, which is what has happened.  The poor decisions I felt were made, the people’s lives that have been affected and every emotion associated with losing my job was wrapped up in a nice little package called The Chair, and The Chair was staring me in the goddamn face in my favorite goddamn store. I immediately took a picture of it, sent it to my old boss as a “See! See! We were right! They were wrong!” kind of thing. He immediately responded in kind and acknowledged my brilliance, as he always does/did when it comes to justifying my designs and development.

So now, I’m FURIOUS about The Chair. I can’t find anything decent to wear anywhere. I tried on a bazillion dresses and they all sucked. I went to The Mall, TJ Maxx, Marshall’s, Ross…I even went to David’s Bridal (Yes, I did. Everyone can start berating me for this. I can take it.) and found ZIPPO.

Then I start getting super pissed at the fact that I have no business shopping for dresses or spending money on anything. And I still had to go to the grocery stores and pick up a few things, and the fury I’m feeling doesn’t help. Most grocery runs now involve the following:

1. Big Lots – I recently discovered Big Lots. I now ♥ Big Lots. Instead of paying $4.20 for fat-free Fig Newton's (or simply not buying them), I can get them for $2.00. I can get cans of Rotel for $.50. I can get my Kashi crackers for $1.60. Big Lots rocks.

2. Wal-Mart – Here I get the basics and any veggies or fruit that look half-way decent.

3. Harris Teeter – Last stop for fruit, meat and veggies I can’t get at Wal-Mart because the look/smell disgusting.

So I’m at Wal-Mart and I need eggs. The Wal-Mart regular eggs are like $2.37. There are cage-free eggs for more. There are the eggs that come from chickens that don’t have any antibiotics pumped into them, are cage-free and are grain fed that are also ridiculous in price. I stand there, contemplating eggs for what feels like 100 years. Do I save money and get the eggs that could kill me (yes, I realize this is an exaggeration), do I get the eggs where the chickens are slightly less abused for slightly more money or do I go with what I actually want and feel best about: the politically correct eggs that cost a fucking arm and a leg? I go with the politically correct eggs and curse myself for the next 20 minutes as I fight my way around the bitch standing in the middle of the fucking aisle TEXTING while 800 people are trying to get around her, just to get  loaf of fucking bread so they can get home already.

This gets me thinking about how angry I am at how fucked up our country is that I have to stand in Wal-Mart for 20 minutes trying to decide on the best kinds of eggs to buy. EGGS! I get pissed that I’m on a budget. I start to feel like I did when I was about 27 or 28 years old. Most of my friends at the time were fresh out of Masters programs, in the I.T. world and were making money hand over fist. I was still stuck, paying my mother-fucking dues as a lowly assistant buyer at Sears and paying off my stupidstupidstupidstupid credit card debt. Suddenly, I feel like I’m back there again, comparing myself to the money my friends are (still) making and I just feel sick. I can no longer afford the mani-pedis I took for granted. My car has over 100K miles on it and I pray it keeps on going. I’m contributing nothing to my IRA or my saving account. I feel sick. All of the money-worry makes me want to vomit on my own shoes. I’m standing in line to check out at Wal-Mart and a few big, fat crocodile tears spill over. Even this pisses me off because I’m now CRYING IN FUCKING WAL-MART. Who the hell am I?

And now I’m in a massive self-loathing frame of mind. I’m convinced that the 4 pounds I’ve gain over the last 6 months is the reason why I can’t find anything to fit me. I know that this is a lie. I know that when I’m 4 pounds lighter that it’s just as hard to find things to fit me. It’s just that the 4 pounds makes me hate myself just a little more than if I was 4 pounds lighter. The dress I bought at the consignment shop is kind of sexy. It has a really low back, beaded straps and it’s silver. Yes, silver. It’s sexy. It’s too sexy, I’ve decided, for how I’m feeling about myself.  Not only that, but I need those suction cup boobie bra things and I was all set to get a pair, then I find out they are $68! The bra costs more than the damn dress. How is that even possible? I found a version of the suction cup boobie bra things at Marshall’s, but all they had were C and D cups. Yet another feel good moment for me and my niblet-type breastages. I am considering the cheaper alternative to the suction cup boobie bra things to these things, but have no idea if they actually work. At least I know the $68 things stay put.

I probably wouldn’t feel quite so guilty about all this if:

1. I didn’t just drop $550 on my car’s 100K check up, a new CV boot and a new taillight. Oh, and by the way, as soon as I left the dealership, I drove up behind a truck and saw that a headlight was out. Um, didn’t you JUST inspect my car you stupid assholes? So I had to go back and get that taken care of. I got one of those email surveys from the dealership and nailed them for it. The manager called me yesterday and offered me free detailing on my car. I guess that makes up for it, but still, $550 is $550 I no longer have.

2. I didn’t just drop $280 on my 14 year old cat. The crazy bitch went and got herself kidney disease. I knew it was coming because she already has thyroid issues and one generally follows the other in aged cats. Now, I have to feed her really expensive cat food so that she feels better, though nothing can cure her. At some point in the near future, I will have to make some decisions regarding the life of my cat and I simply can’t bear the thought of it without bursting into tears. The financial outlay on my pet makes me feel incredibly guilty, though I do love her so. She’s a really good kitty.

3. I was contributing something financially. This is such a big deal for me. I’ve always been self-sufficient. I’ve always been able to take care of myself. Relying on The Candyman is still a stupid struggle for me, though I can’t express how grateful I am to him for keeping us where we are now. The money-guilt makes me want to give up on TruLu Couture and start hunting for “real” jobs that cover our health insurance, offer 401K options and pay me money. The thought of a “real” job takes me right back to the fury I have over The Chair and how I simply do not want to have to suffer the fools ever again. Nothing makes me madder than when the boys who manage a company’s purse strings think they know product. Their wives are even worse.

So I’ve worked myself into a frenzy and I am red-hot mad. I come home to The Candyman and he knows I’m pissed. I know he thinks it’s because of him, which it clearly, is not. However, I just decided to not to tell him. I didn’t want to start a fight just because I’m pissed at The Chair. He let me be mad (thank you, honey) and kept clear of known land mines. Thank God, for The Candyman.

I am so over, like, everything.

 

1If you’re not in the mood to read curse words, please don’t read this post today. If you think I’m a big, fat, fucking sinner for using swear words, please keep those comments to yourself and go away. This blog is not for you.

PrintView Printer Friendly Version

EmailEmail Article to Friend

Reader Comments (22)

I've cried in checkout lines before. I'm sorry you had such a colossally annoying day. I'm sorry about The Chair - seriously. I'm sorry you can't find anything you want to wear to your good friend's wedding. And I'm sorry about the money stuff. Man, I really think this entire post is something we can all relate to in some way. About the dress situation, if you think that dress is too sexy for a wedding, then that's one thing, but if you just don't feel sexy enough for it right now, maybe consider trying it on for The Candyman tonight. I have a feeling he'll make you feel pretty sexy before the evening is out.

April 26, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterveronica

I did try it on for The Cadyman and he agrees that it needs the boob things (otherwise the girls will stand attention ALL NIGHT) but does like it a lot. SO the sexy goes back to money, in my head.

April 26, 2011 | Registered CommenterLouise

I feel each word of this like it's my own. Fuck, and thank you.

April 26, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda

Take heart! Here is what your horoscope says for today:
"Passionate pushiness puts pizzaz into a plan. You might steamroll past objections to attain ambitions. Associate with people who are entused by joint success and have the knowledge to show you the way".

So, channel all that energy you are expending on anger and put it toward your goals. And perhaps do some networking. Oh, and remember that you are a beautiful, beautiful woman, and you will look drop-dead gorgeous at your friend's wedding no matter what you wear because of your inner light - that will shine even brighter when you see your friend's happiness. You have a "joie de vivre" that I noticed in you even when you were a toddler, so I know you have it in you to get through all this and be successful! Go get 'em!

April 26, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMom

Well, I just feel like saying a 2-minute stream of variations of Fuck a la the opening sequence of Four Weddings and a Funeral. You and I need to get a drink, preferably together. In lieu of that, I am sending you a virtual blue streak and lots of hugs.

Because unemployment sucks, and it is hard on everyone, and it is made worse when you see your designs in someone else's store after your company thumbed its nose at you. FUCK.

April 26, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

Well, you know that I read your blog because it helps me to stay in touch with you even when we don't chat. And you know I never comment. But today I will because I am right exactly with you on every single bit of it (well, not the boobie bra thing as you can imagine), right up to and including the language which as you know I find, um, disturbing. Only because it doesn't seem to me to match the person I know who is as gorgeous inside as she is outside. But today I agree with you on EVERY SINGLE WORD of your rant. ALL of them. You know that I am right with you on every point, and just as angry. Oh, maybe not one point. I am hoping it was a matter of timing that I'm not remembering but please tell me I'm not the stupid idiot who didn't like the full sized CHAIR. Because I don't remember ever seeing it. Was that after we were deemed too stupid to manage our own business and were replaced by the eskimos? Please tell me it was one of them. And since this miserable day was probably yesterday I hope you are having a rebound today and feeling much better. But just in case I will reread your post and yell out all those blue words as I get to them. Maybe you will hear and it will help. Big hugs.

April 26, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterjan

For the bra- Do you have Steinmart in Charlotte? Surely you do- I got one of those sticky bra things at Steinmart for a fraction of the cost, and as long as you don't get too sweaty, they work pretty well, so try to check that out for the dress! Plus, if they are a failure during the night, just run to the bathroom, stick em in your purse, and keep some bandaids on hand to deal with the "at attention" issue...by that time during the evening, nobody will even notice- and you'll be having too much fun to care!

April 26, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKristine

I had to comment again... I just read something that might be better than the pep talk -- tho I meant every word.

Boy: I don't want to be afraid. I hate being afraid.
Man: There's no choice. It's the circumstances that create fear. How you respond is all you can control. Concentrate on that, and you'll always succeed.

April 26, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMom

@Jan - NO! It wasn't you. It was the FURNITURE buyer at the time, not one of the Eskimos. And I would NEVER call you an idiot because you're the furthest thing from an idiot. I ♥ you! And thank you for entertaining my potty mouth. It really means a lot to me! Is that an odd thing to say? You know what I mean....

@Sarah - God. Drinks, please. NOW.

@Amanda - You're welcome. FUCK.

@Mom - Good pep talk. Thanks! I love that you actually read other people's horoscopes.

@Kristine - there's only like one or two Steinmarts and I went shopping with my mom there a few weeks ago and found ZIPPO in dresses. I'll call them about the boob thingies! Thanks for the tip!

April 26, 2011 | Registered CommenterLouise

And for the record as well as for Fangs and Clause and GEW, this post is RIPE with misplaced commas. *hangs head in editing shame*

April 26, 2011 | Registered CommenterLouise

You know I read your blog for the clarity of your anger and number of times you say fuck, not for pristinely placed commas. My anger is so often incoherent and aimed at nothing and everything. (I hear you especially on the cat thing. Very good kitties are hard to find. I've been known to feed my cat keffir because she's fading. Wretched cat.)

April 26, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterfangs and clause

Oh, was my anger coherent? Excellent. At least I've accomplished something this week.

April 26, 2011 | Registered CommenterLouise

i think it's in the water, i'm with you.

April 26, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterlizzie

I love you the most. This post takes all my splutterings and clarifies them wholesale. Especially the kitty part - I was utterly in despair when the dog needed his rotten teeth yanked and it cost FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS. Gah. But as they say in the Army, keep yer pecker hard and your powder dry AND THE WORLD WILL TURN. PS: I think just the jelly pasties are cheaper. I use them whenever I don't want people to think I am smuggling peanuts.

April 26, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJen

I feel like standing up and cheering. So, you know, at least there's that. Maybe now, as you stomp around and kick things (are you kicking things? Please tell me you're kicking things), you can think of me somewhere in California, going "WOOOOOOO!" Fan for life, my friend.

Fuck.

April 26, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterlyn

@Lyn - sitting here reading comments, doing my toes (pedicure = not allowed) so I can't kick anything right now.

Later, for sure.

April 26, 2011 | Registered CommenterLouise

So many times I read your blog and you are right on. Once again, I feel your pain although I have never had anyone copy a design.

I totally understand the angst of feeling that you are not contributing financially in the partnership and wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do while also being so grateful that I have a wonderful husband that never once passes any sort of bad feelings/judgement my way.

Saying that, I think that a good meal of shrimp and grits with alot of wine can cure several ills. Wish Jan and I were with you so that we could raise our glasses and saying a healthy "FUCK YOU".

Have a great time at the wedding and I know you will look FABULOUS no matter what you wear.

April 26, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKathy

Just wow. Lady I feel you re: the financial independence thing. Be made and frustrated when you want to be and remember the Candyman's support. You'll figure something out or get a new job eventually - I know it. The journey there may kinda suck, but in the meantime Trulu rocks.

xoxo,
Chic 'n Cheap Living

April 26, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterChic 'n Cheap Living

@Kathy - aw....I could use a little Kathy/Jan time!

@CnC - Thanks, babe!

April 27, 2011 | Registered CommenterLouise

Just on the topic of the stick-on bra cup things - I live far across the world but over here you can get inexpensive versions at lots of cheaper shops, and they work just as well. I found the cups were kind of kept in place by the dress too, though on me they weren't really there for support anyway :) Failing that, you can get foam cup things in dressmaker shops that can be sewn into the dress, and they are usually very cheap. My wedding dress had something similar and it worked perfectly. Good luck!

April 28, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterEmily

I know/remember The Chair...but apparently missed out on the rest of the story :) The rant is priceless, though, and I KNOW you are entitled to every word of it!! Ditto, Jan! I also know that your talent is MIND-BLOWING, and that you will be OK (and beyond!!) even though there may be some really crappy days like this from time to time. So, keep venting whenever necessary & remember that there are TONS of people that believe in you!

I have to go deal with some Eskimos now. Miss you!! Ditto, Jan!! :)

April 29, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKim

I have so been there re: eggs, and a zillion other things. "So do I ingest toxic chemicals and save $2.50 while screwing over the local do-gooder farmers? Or do I chip away at our savings to buy food that's better (but still not guaranteed to save me from an untimely death), and will be completely gone after 1 meal?" I was driving around with one headlight for weeks, because I just couldn't bring myself to fork over the money for another, until my husband pointed out that a fine or an accident would be worse. Oh, right. :P Most days, I'm proud of scraping by and think I'm better off than when I could purchase crap on a whim; other days, I wonder if we'll ever have enough to travel overseas and stay in nice hotels, eat out, see movies and plays, own fancy bikes and art supplies, etc. Some days I'm blissfully happy, pursuing private goals and relying on my guy's hard work/income... other days, it eats at me and my self-esteem.

And that chair thing deserves a long string of expletives, because that just fucking sucks.

May 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMargaret

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Post:
 
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>