Step Down!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010 at 9:40AM
Louise in Brocade Art Designs, Donald Yeager Photography, What Not to Wear

Wah, Wah, Waaaaaaaaaaah. You lose.

Not you, per se. Actually, it's me. I was so excited and I know how crap like this totally doesn't play out, but I HAD to give you a bit of a tease yesterday because I was so excited!  

So as I do with all things fun, you gotta read all the preliminary bullshit FIRST, then I'll get to the good stuff. So let's see, about a year ago I started shopping for wedding gowns. My first stop was The Bride Room. I tried on this freakin' to die for Reem Acra sample that was for sale. It was pretty trashed so I knew I wasn't going to buy it, but it was too gorgeous not to try on. Amy, who plays a part in this little tale later on, was my sales woman. When I tried on the Acra gown, she prefaced the zip-up with "This is a runway sample, it probably won't zip-up. They are really small." So I'm all, "Um, OK. Whatever." And then ZIP! Up it went, no problem. Amy bends her sweet little head around my should and says, "You should be really happy about that." In fact, I GLOWED. I thought to myself "Booya, Bitches! I can fit into a runway sample!" Who the "bitches" were in my thought process? Eh, who cares. It was just a gut reation.

Sooooooo, fast forward to a month or so ago where I went to the Priscilla of Boston trunk show at The Bride Room. I reminded Amy of the interaction, and while she didn't remember it, we had a good laugh and a nice time together. I think she's pretty effin' cool. Fast forward AGAIN to my showing up at The Bride Room for the start of the Monique Lhuillier trunk show. Long story short, Amy remembered my fit staus, they throw me in a Monique sample gown and Charlotte (The Bride Room owner) tells me she'll call me later about it. She does and she invites me to the fun thing that is the point of this damn post.

TLC's What Not to Wear. Yes, that's right. TLC has come to Nashville. Our little baby city is all growed up. AND I was supposed to wear a Monique Lhuillier ON TV! On NATIONAL CABLE TV! ME! I cannot tell you how excited I was. The plan? To ambush our own Miss Hillary Robson of Brocade Designs, one of Nashville's premiere florists. I heard this morning that we're not supposed to post or put pictures up about this. Hm. WHY did they not mention that at all yesterday? Everyone was taking pictures and such. Makes no sense. So in order not to blow it for Hillary, I won't post anything about the show or anything that hasn't already been all over Twitter since yesterday. 

The plan was for me and several other women to model wedding gowns as part of the show.

Oh no. That did NOT happen.

When we showed up to sign in, we were rudely told to sit, preferably in the back, in the room with the extras who were playing the wedding guests. And we were all, "Um, but we're brides." And again, we were told to sit. And wait. My first reaction was to bitch-slap the tramp wearing the hip clip-on walkie-talkie who clearly thought she was some sort of bad-ass in control in  Nashville. In reality, she's a freakin' twenty-nothing assitant to someone not in charge who was left to manage sweet, Southern extras who showed up to have a little fun, help out some friends or just try to get on national TV. You, the twenty-nothing with the hip clip-on walkie-talkie? You. Are. Not. Nice. If you don't like your goddamn job then quit. If you don't like working with the public, don't work on a damn reality-based TV show. Idiot.

ANYWAY (I think that might be out of my system, but probably not.), we head to the back of the room, me mutteriung under my breath how I'm about to blow Nashville's ranking as one of the 5 friendliest cities in America by going verbally postal on this New Yorker who thinks she's a bad-ass. Here's a tip y'all: a Southern accent doesn't make you stupid. It makes you Southern.

One of the first people I recognized when I got there? My own wedding officiate, Minister Ralph Griggs! Also met Mandy Whitely of Mandy Whitley Photography. All such nice people. Unlike the WNTW crew. Ahem.


Me & Ralph.

Now, there was plenty in my original post about all things related to this What Not to Wear thing. In an effort to be cordial, I'll wait until AFTER it airs to share it.

I will tell you that I did not get to wear the Monique. That was all I really wanted to do was play the bride again. I even bribed Amy Lynn Larwig to do may make-up that moring at the crack of dawn because we all know that I am incapable of more than mascara and lip gloss these days. I just suck at make-up application. She agreed to be bribed and did the prettiest make-up on me. I can't tell you how thankful I was for her help! I feel it was all for naught though as I never even got to put on a gown. Boo. I think there were several other people there who felt the same way as there were clearly some professional up-do's and other really nice make-up jobs going on. What a waste of people's time. Grrrr.

I've never been a part of a TV shooting like this (unless you count being in th studio audience of Suddenly Susan, and I don't count that at all). It went pretty smoothly. I have to say, the folks who work on WNTW, really need to watch their own show, listen and learn. The best article of clothing I saw was a pair of Iron Maiden Vans on the boom guy. I talked to him about their snaziness. He informed me that his last pair was better - Slayer. Awesome. The worst article of clothing was a FANNY PACK. I didn't witness this number myself, but the folks who were a part of the friends and family group encountered the beast who wore it. Apparently, Amy was trying to get into the room that held all the dresses and some roadie crew bitch wouldn't let her in the room. Um, hello. There were 20 gowns in that room all worth, what? Over $1000 each minimum? Like Amy's not going to be in charge of them? So I guess she said as much to her and the women held her hand up to Amy's face (stop-in-the-name-of-love-style) and said "Step down." 

Oh, sweet Jeebus, how I wish I had been Amy. How I wish I had been there. I might have broken that girl's hand. Or at least her spirit with the biting-words of The Thirty-Something Bride cloaked ever so sweetly in the charms of Southern hospitality. I'll bet Amy was sweet as pie to her face, but like any good scorned Southern woman, we had a grand ol' time smack-talking later. In fact, I'd like you to witness a chorus of "Step Down" impersonations by our local wedding friends.


OK, now that I've properly bitched about all things that needed to be bitched about, I have to say this - I am so excited for Hillary. She's getting great advice from WNTW. She is just the sweetest thing. So despite the bitchy New Yorkers, I was really glad that I was a part of the whole experience. And you never know, maybe the back of my head will be on TV.

On my way out I saw Stacy, the hostess from WNTW, hanging out in the foyer of the hotel. I asked to take a picture. A few mean things: she's not pretty. Not just in an aesthetic sense, but her immediate negative vibe was totally off-putting and it made her physically unattractive. She reeked of smoke. When I chastised her (in my charming Southern way) about smoking (as an ex-smoker, I'm allowed) she goes, "Save it, I'll never quit." And I'm all, "Then you're gonna die. Painfully." We shared a  "Yeah, I can handle your bullshit NYC attitude and give it right back, bitch" look/moment and then that was it. She smiled for the camera and then I left and went grocery shopping at Wal-Mart. True story.

´╗┐Please ignore my hideous hair. And what's with my face? I look like a marionette. WTF? Photo Cred is all Ashely, from ABG!

So until the show airs, you'll just have to be satisfied with this non-post post about WNTW versus the real deal. So sorry. In the meantime, just drool over these gorgeous pics of the dress I was supposed to wear. Le sigh.



Article originally appeared on The Thirty-Something Bride Wedding Blog (
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